For Better or Worse. What?!

Years ago, I read this letter written by a relative of a friend about his travails with his aging wife who had some debilitating illness. His text displayed a dry humor and cutting wit. A portion of the letter bemoaned the time involved in caring for his wife, at the expense of his own pursuits and hobbies.  I remember this one line. It struck me as pretty funny at the time. “I wish I’d really thought over that ‘for Better or Worse … in Sickness and in Health’ part of our marriage vows before committing to them for life. Especially that sickness part. I should have given that more thought.” It seemed very clever and tongue-in-cheek to me at the time. But after years of being in healthcare, I wonder if he had been more serious than I realized.

In the last couple decades, I’ve been caregiver to my aging parents (father-Alzheimer’s, mother-dementia), my twin brother (cancer) and my husband (various surgeries and boo-boos). My mother and brother were both in home-hospice and passed away within six months of each other. I took care of them round-the-clock in their last days. During the previous four years with my mom, I hired a friend to help with being a companion for her, bathing her and to give myself and my brother a break from caring for Mom every day. She was an experienced caregiver and a godsend with my mom and later with my brother. 

With my career in EMS, I have an advantage with this caregiving business right out of the gate. My older sister didn’t have that advantage taking care of our father as Alzheimer’s whittled away at his mind. They were in Iowa, and I lived in Wyoming. And she had her own health issues (non-compliant diabetic). So, being overwhelmed with the care of our father was inevitable. I never felt overwhelmed by the hours I put in taking care of Mom, whom I moved to Wyoming after Dad’s death. Mom was very amenable to being cared for and trusted me to provide what was best for her. 

My experience with my brother was more bumpy. It was an intensive six months with his cancer battle, lots of doctors’ visits, ER visits, hospital stays and treatments. Mom passed away two months into this. His cancer journey was taxing for both of us. But the biggest frustration for me was that he wouldn’t fight when he needed to. I was caught up in forcing him to work through his pain, to take in protein and to stay hydrated. The battle he fought was against my efforts pushing him to fight back against his cancer. When our oldest sister (not the same sister who took care of our dad) shone a light on that, I backed off and things went easier for both of us, and he left this world a little faster perhaps but without me nagging at him.

On to the marriage vows verbiage. During our marriage, the various episodes of caregiving for my husband’s injuries/surgeries (that in sickness part of our vows) have ranged from being somewhat comedic to serious concern to incredible pain. There’s a quote by Hunter S. Thompson about not dying in a well-preserved body, but skidding into your grave in a cloud of smoke, yelling: “Wow!  What a ride!” Well, that’s my hubby. He tears up his body. But his mishaps are the hard-earned badges of his dedication to living life to the fullest, on his terms. Though that aging thing is catching up to him, he keeps pushing through and carries on. Sure, taking care of him can sometimes be a challenge. But, he’s a trooper and I admire his tenacity and defiance of Time’s attempts to stymie his spirit while on the pursuit of his best life. 

So, for me, that “in Sickness and in Health” vow is just two sides of the same coin. I’m uniquely equipped to handle the sickness side, when it lands that way. But being a part of his life when it’s the flip side makes it all very much worth it. He’s made my life part of his ride. And there’s been some humdingers of the “yikes” variety. But mostly, there’s been a ton of happiness, experiencing life alongside him for that health side of the coin. There’s patches of fun and humor during the sickness side, too.  For Better or for Worse? It’s a balance. Just muscle through the rough patches. The ride is worth it.