Girl talk and other deviant behaviors

Don’t let the title scare you. Please keep an open mind while I explain. So, the scenario is I had coffee with the neighbor lady, a good friend. My husband asked what we talk about. Ummm, stuff. Not politics or the stock market, which are among his top picks for discussions.  We talk about family (and share pictures), friends, food, what we did yesterday, the struggles we have with the minutiae of our everyday lives. It’s what’s most important to us.

I had a class in college on the view of women’s thought and behavior being deviant in Western society. Okaaaaay. Stick with me. Normal behavior in this context has been based on male behavior. In Western society, the males of our species are groomed from birth to behave independently, to excel and climb the ladder to success, even if that means beating up opponents to get there. The male role is head of the household, the bread winner, exuding the supremacy of his ego and place in society. Women, however, are taught to “be nice,” to nurture and take care of others, to support the males in their lives by caring for their children and parents and homes. The term the course’s text attributed to this female paradigm was “angel of the house.” Historically, this subservient caregiver-of-all has been the accepted, albeit “deviant” role for women in American and European homes. Think June Cleaver, Edith Bunker, Aunt Bea. Yah, we’ve come a long way since the mid-1900s.

Modern women have thrown off those submissive expectations for the most part. We have careers, are single parents sometimes, have girls-night-out and bachelorette parties. We share care of the home with our male partners. Some females choose never to have children, or even to marry, embracing being the master of their own lives and careers. That angel of the house deviant has evolved.

Let’s look at our modern differences, and similarities, as an expansion of ”normal.” That class taught me to appreciate the perspective of other cultures and other generations. I finally got why my mom didn’t oppose her mother’s petty demands and why she deferred decisions to our dad. She was the nurturer and never rocked the boat, or the house in her case. Despite her upbringing, Mom encouraged her daughters to embrace their autonomy and follow their dreams. (Thanks, Mom.) I got why my dad’s mom, a widow, was content to remain a widow, living alone a half block away, but still helping out with us kids. She spent a lot of time sewing, tatting lace and making rag rugs. She had weekly bridge club and church ladies’ circle meetings. She didn’t have to answer to anyone for how she lived her life and never complained about being lonely or alone. I revered her for her serenity and patience. Grandma Miller was my “shero.” Still is.

But back to this deviant nonsense. It stood strong for a long time. It went sideways during WWII when women entered the workforce en masse, building ships and planes, assembling armaments and munitions for the military. The country needed a labor force to support the war effort, and women stepped up.

With their boundaries expanding, wages to spend and time away from home and family, these “Rosie the Riveters” developed confidence and vision for their lives beyond the “angel of the house” role. Some of them stayed in the workforce after the men came home. They’d had a taste of that male “normality,” making decisions for the family, choosing how to spend the money they earned, handling both roles of the marriage and making it all work.

Soon after, women entered the halls of higher education, going after degrees in traditionally male career fields: engineering, medicine, finance, law (think Ruth Bader Ginsberg). They battled attitudes and barriers to make their goals come true. There’s still a glass ceiling holding the line on what a working woman should have concerning wages, promotions and jobs. But the glass is cracked and sagging. More and more women are finding their way through the widening cracks and may smash it to smithereens one day. Well, probably not in my lifetime.

The independent dynamo is not for every woman in this culture, but many have shaken free of the norms of that previous era and are thriving. Men, if you’re not familiar with this subservient familial structure for women, imagine life on the other side of the apron. What if you had to bite your tongue when you learned a coworker of the other gender in the same job, maybe junior to you, made substantially more money than you? What if your life was constrained to four walls, staying home, maybe home-schooling your kids, maybe caring for aging parents, as well. Wouldn’t you miss engaging with adult coworkers and people outside of your home?

Try to really put yourself in those “angel of the house” slippers. Yup, you’re picking up your spouse’s socks and underwear every morning, doing laundry, changing sheets, making meals, taking the kids to soccer and organizing their day, cleaning bathrooms, filling and emptying the dishwasher, doing all the magical things your spouse takes for granted. They come home to a meal, kids in bed, a clean living room and smooth sheets and think nothing of it. Maybe you also work outside the home to help meet expenses. Can you imagine that?   ‘kay?

Sling that deviant label out the window. It’s the 21st century. Honor women’s independence and contribution to the world as an exceptional force. I see this as demi-goddesses battling to be recognized as an equal contributor to the planet’s achievements as well as a spousal partner in the home, and all the levels in between. If you haven’t, men, you should join the woman in your life on her path, put your shoulder into that effort alongside her. The life you create together could be stupendous. Just try.