Post-Thanksgiving questions no one can quite answer

Before we dive headfirst into Christmas chaos, I still have 10 lingering questions about Thanksgiving that need answering.

1. If Thanksgiving is a holiday rooted in tradition, why does my Great Aunt Marilyn inevitably introduce a “new” dish like peanut-butter-and-marshmallow salad with raspberry and sage vinaigrette?

There’s always one brave soul determined to reinvent the wheel, even if the wheel tastes like a dessert collided with a spoiled salad bar. Two people will force it down, four will smear it around their plate, three will quietly dump it in the trash and five won’t even take a spoonful.

2. What is it about Thanksgiving that suddenly turns people who never watch football into die-hard fans for a day?

They’ll cheer like the team is their long-lost cousin, even though two hours earlier they couldn’t name a single player. Something about turkey and family turns casual viewers into enthusiastic superfans.

3. If a 61-year-old adult male runs 3.1 miles in a Turkey Trot at a 10-minute-per-mile pace…how much extra gravy, turkey and pie can he eat? 

The unofficial Thanksgiving calorie counter says that for every mile you run you can eat one pint of gravy, one bowl of turkey covered in dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy and exactly 37 percent of a pie. (Roughly 3/8ths, for the math folks.)

4. Why can’t the food gods grant us a 24-hour holiday waiver?

Could we have just one magical day where gluten doesn’t matter, fat has no consequences, carbs are encouraged, calories disappear, protein ratios don’t exist and lactose suddenly becomes everyone’s friend? A full culinary amnesty program?

5. Why is it that the same people who cook for three hours always end up cleaning for three more?

Meanwhile, the relatives who ate the most suddenly have airtight excuses like “too full to move,” “my team’s playing” or they’ve already slipped into full drooling nap mode on the couch."

6. What did the Pilgrims do without foil, Ziploc bags or Saran Wrap?

How did they store anything? Did they bury the turkey under a log and hope for the best? Imagine trying to save leftovers using only “a cool breeze” and “positive thoughts.”

7. When the fridge is stuffed, how much weight can a dozen eggs really hold — and what temperature outside officially turns my old pickup into a backup fridge? Every year feels like Tetris with leftovers, opening the door and hoping the eggs haven’t buckled under the mashed potatoes. Mother Nature decides whether my truck keeps everything “properly chilled” or just “mildly questionable.”

8. How is the Black Friday crowd both exhausted and terrifying at the same time?

Nothing captures the true meaning of Christmas like thousands of sleep deprived and then over-caffeinated zombies stampeding through aisles, ready to reenact a nature-documentary fight scene for a $9 toaster that will probably burn the first slice of bread.

9. Does it bother anyone else that Thanksgiving is the one time all year when we willingly handle bones, carcasses and organs?

The rest of the year we buy everything boneless, skinless, pre-trimmed and shrink-wrapped. But Thanksgiving rolls around and we’re all amateur surgeons carving around joints like it’s no big deal. Hawkeye Pierce would be proud. (For those of you under 50, that’s a M*A*S*H reference.)

10. Is anyone else confused by why every day of the extended Thanksgiving weekend suddenly needs a title, a theme and its own marketing campaign?

We’ve gone from one holiday to a full calendar of branded events: Travel Wednesday, Turkey Thursday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, “Recover from Your Relatives” Sunday and Cyber Monday. 

I guess whether or not I ever get the answers, Christmas is still coming. Check back in a month, and I’ll have a whole new list to conquer.