Signage should reflect current vernacular

You’ve all seen the Fire Danger signs along various highways, right? Smokey Bear is next to the half pie chart with the arrow pointing to today’s level. Those levels are labeled Low, Moderate, High, Very High and Extreme. I feel like those words would convey more if they were a little more modern, reflecting descriptive words that would really grab you. How about:  Meh. Be Careful. Boy Howdy! Yikes! and Pray?

Kinda packs a punch.

Then there’s stop signs. Same deal; bring it up to date. Stop might be ambiguous to some people. Stop what? Stop texting? Stop trying to get your car to hook up with your phone. Stop putting on makeup or reading the navigation display or fighting with your kids in the back seat? Yes to all of those. But stopping the car might not be clear with the simple command. How about we make it: BRAKE NOW!

“Help Wanted” is obviously not working. How about “Money Available. Inquire Within?”  My mom used to say work was a four letter word to me. Well, yeah. Fair. She meant housework, which had little appeal for me. But I liked a lot of other four-letter words. Read. That is a lifelong love affair for me. Cats. Duh. Draw. I remember my fifth-grade teacher threatening me when I drew during class. “Kat, you draw one more leg on that horse and you’re going to the principal’s office.” Pout. I could pout like nobody’s business. When my dad refused to let me have one of the neighbor’s kittens, I pouted for a month. He caved. I’ve written about Nappy, my first mews.

I laugh at a lot of the creative signs people post on Facebook. I have a small white board that hangs on my office door, and I reuse several of those gems. Here’s one of the most recent: “Cats have 9 lives. You are not a cat. Buckle up!” Some of those are really good. Church signs, Dairy Queen signs and veterinarian signs are some of the best. Very clever word play. 

Bill Engvall built a whole comedic career out of signage – “Here’s your sign.” Remember that guy? Remember all the yellow signs with various phrases hanging in car windows? “Baby On Board” was very popular. Mine said “Cat Inside.” People would crane their necks trying to see a cat. I meant me. But it was fun. Did you have one? What was yours?

Thinking of all the animal maulings in Yellowstone, how about instead of “Don’t Feed the Wildlife” go with “Got Good Medical and Life Insurance? Go Ahead, Feed the Bears, Pet the Moose and Walk up to a Buffalo.” It might slow them down. Do you think? Yeah, probably not.  People just can’t resist. They need to have a video screen above the car lanes at the park entrance that plays a loop showing the actual injuries, treatments and surgeries of past maulings. I’m an EMT. We’ve seen those injuries in trainings and some of us up close. They are gruesome, months-long healing processes. If they live. People need to see what those critters can do to a human body. They need to know. Visually. Maybe then they’ll respect those beasts and their power a bit more. One hopes.

Remember the 70s TV show Baretta? Robert Blake was the star. Sammy Davis Jr. sang the theme song. It had a really great line: Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. There’s a good replacement or tag line for those “No Firearms Zone” and “No Drug Zone” type signs. Just saying.

And one of my favorites. It should be emblazoned on a wall in every school, maybe a cafeteria wall: “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” Love that. Says it all.