The Skunkbrush Ugly Yard Contest

In the big, little town of Skunkbrush, Wyoming, the political authority decided to have an Ugly Yard Contest and declare the winner an exemplary loser. The winner would receive a large, ugly sign to celebrate their yard and remind everyone that this yard sets the standard for an ugly yard. 

It is hoped that the Ugly Yard Contest becomes a trend that simplifies yard maintenance and helps all community members feel a stronger sense of community connection, a new trend of togetherness in celebration of the art of yard neglect. 

Everyone in town appeared qualified to enter. The overall yard appearance across the community would make it difficult to decide, necessitating a closed executive session for the mayor and town council. They, too, were well-qualified and wanted to enter the contest. However, the meeting was cancelled because all council members had to recuse themselves due to a conflict of interest.

The mayor handled the judging by hiring a team of well-known, ugly-stuff entrepreneurs from surrounding communities, who were willing to be sworn in and sworn at. They would judge the much-advertised event scheduled for the Fourth of July. Spent fireworks and the acrid smell of smoke would add to the exciting theme of ugliness.  

The town council believed that the lingering smell of the fireworks, along with scattered fragments of paper, fire-scorched paper tubes, and sticks, would enhance the authenticity of the intended purpose of the Ugly Yard Contest and even artfully validate the celebration of the unifying power of yard ugliness. No one attending would be expected to show up the morning after the fireworks to help clean up the debris. 

The winner of the first Ugly Yard Contest would be announced during the roast squirrel lunch in Downwind Skunk town park.

Andy Kepitall, a well-practiced generational hoarder, garnered the most votes from the OUE (official ugly entrepreneurs) and was declared the winning loser. He was presented a sign inscribed, appropriately, “THE WINNING LOSER” painted in big, bright letters on the door of an ancient, three-hole outhouse. The door was engineered to stay open to keep the outhouse from falling over. Its overall ugliness was desperate, even to the quintessence of grotesque repugnance, and was to remain in the winner’s yard for the year.

The town leadership felt the outhouse to be fitting as the trophy for the inaugural Ugly Yard Contest. It will be a traveling, three-hole trophy; however, it will be used only as a trophy, not otherwise. The Ugly Yard Contest will be held annually to help ensure community pride in ugly yards, helping to assure community cohesiveness.